I wish I could teleport
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
