Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
