"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
