You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
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She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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