I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
