No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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