My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
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threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
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I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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