U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
