I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
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Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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