allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
