o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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