we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
