imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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