can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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