I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im holly from the hills drunk
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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