I just pynch a tree in the face
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You can't special order awesome
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
