You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
