I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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