Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
