you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
