I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
