new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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