my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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