i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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