So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
