for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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