Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
