sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
