My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You were trust falling into bushes
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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