you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
