I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
