Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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