It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
