My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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