Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
