If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
