I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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