i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
