never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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