I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
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let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize