you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
