his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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