Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
