I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
