Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
