dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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