How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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