I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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