If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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