I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
