you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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