Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I am one with the molecules
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
