The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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