i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
