I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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