im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
