I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
