Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
