dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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