I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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