I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
